Those Smart Alecky Cops

Ok, a cute one to start off 2011.

These are purported to be transcribed from actual recordings from police videos in South Carolina. I'm not confirming that they are real, but as a former police officer, I can tell you that cops have a great sense of humor. And, I can believe that these were said, by one officer in some district, somewhere at some time.

Read, and enjoy. And, I refuse to confirm that I have ever even considered using any of these lines. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."   
 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." 
 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here." (Oh, and how I wish I had used that one. On more than one occasion. Does remeind me of a state trooper...initials L.C. mean anything to any of you...who wrote a movie star a ticket while she was shooting a movie in Wilmington. She was so ticked she even wrote a letter to the newspaper. One of those "...how dare him! Doesn't he know who I am" letters. Aww...)

Happy New Year. Let the fun times begin.